Some Funny Comics I recently received in emails

    Got a call today from a guy wanting to talk to my boss. When I asked him if I could tell her who’s calling he told me his name is John Connor - - - 😬



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    Quote from Doc&Ruby

    At least it wasn't John Wick....

    I must admit that when I told the guy I would go check and see if my boss was available I was very tempted to say "Il be back"

    Cage Free - 2016 Pearl Red SL

    DDM Short Shifter, Sway Bar Mounts Coolant tank Master Cylinder Brace & CAI

    Twist Dynamics Sway Bar, JRI GT Coilovers, Assault Hood Vent

    OEM Double Bubble windshields & various other goodies

    Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

    If you're not familiar with his work, he's the one who said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .


    Here are some of his gems (most are credited to him):

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

    3 - Half the people you know are below average.

    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

    9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ... But she left me before we met.

    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

    19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.

    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

    34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    35.-I am writing an unauthorized autobiography.

    36.- I was arrested for lip syncing karaoke.

    And the all-time favorite -

    37 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


    Some jokes from a former co-worker (not from my usual comics/jokes pusher)!


    A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..



    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

    'Sure.'

    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

    'No, I can remember it.'

    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.



    'Where's my toast?'

    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

    'Do you mean a rose?'

    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

    'So I hear you're getting married?'

    'Yep!'

    'Do I know her?'

    'Nope!'

    'This woman, is she good looking?'

    'Not really.'

    'Is she a good cook?'

    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

    'Does she have lots of money?'

    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

    'I don't know.'

    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

    'Because she can still drive!'

    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

    'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

    'Twelve thirty.'

    Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

    One more. . .!

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'



    Now , before you ' forget ', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!