1) Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
2) Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
3) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4) If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
5) I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
6) When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
7) A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
9) America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
10) You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
11) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
12) My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
13) I think my neighbor is stalking me, as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
14) Money talks--but all mine ever says is good-bye.
15) You're not fat, you're just--easier to see.
16) If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
17) I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out"?
18) I can't understand why women are okay that J C Penny has an older women's clothing line named Sag Harbor.
19) My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
20) My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
21) Denny's has a slogan, If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
22) The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
23) On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
24) The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
25) I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
26) Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
27) The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
I might be slightly prejudiced but that machine looks great regardless of which side of the Mississippi it’s on... 
