Phone rings.....and picks up.....”used to be 911......what is the nature of your call?
Caller.....someone with a gun broke into my house...
MCSD.....You have reached the Minneapolis community safety department....we will now determine the proper response for your call......by asking the following series questions we will be able to determine if you need an actual police officer or one of our many highly qualified community members...
Caller: please hurry....I’m scared.....
MCSD......Ok, the person with a gun, male or female?
Caller....male.....please hurry..
MCSD.....African American, Mexican American, Asian American, American Indian American, or a racist white american? Does he have an accent?
Caller: I’m not sure....please hurry...
MCSD.....light complexion or dark?
Caller:....I’m not sure....please hurry.....
MCSD.....O.K. is he tall or short?
Caller:....I’m not sure....please hurry ...
MCSD......is it a big gun or a little gun?
Caller: I’m not sure....please hurry....
MCSD......is he drunk, high on drugs or mentally ill?
Caller: I’m not sure....please hurry....
MCSD.....we have to determine which corse of action to take....to find the best person to fit your situation....
MCSD....if he’s drunk we’ll need to send a recovering alcoholic and set up AA meetings.....if he’s high on drugs we’ll need to send a recovering drug addict and set up detox hospitalization....if he’s mentally ill we’ll need to have a mental health evaluation.
MCSD....does the man appear to be violent?
Caller: I’m not sure.....please hurry he’s getting closer.....
MCSD.....O.K., do you have a gun?
Caller: yes....please hurry...
MCSD.....is it registered?
Caller: yes....please hurry
MCSD....do you have a permit to Carry?
Caller: yes...please hurry...
MCSD.....have you been properly trained in safe gun handling procedures?
Caller: yes.....please hurry..
MCSD....did you remove the gun from a properly secured gun safe?
Caller: yes...please hurry...
MCSD....safety procedures call for the gun to be locked away and unloaded.....was you gun locked away and unloaded?
Caller: yes...please hurry..
MCSD....so you loaded the gun after unlocking it?
Caller: yes please hurry ....
MCSD....good then we won’t have to write you up for a firearms violation....but we will have to send a certified firearms trainer to examine the gun, and safe as a precaution. What is the make, model, and serial number of the gun?
Caller: please hurry he’s getting closer....
MCSD....after all this evaluation....we have determined, based on our delayed response time...because of all the peaceful protests (looting and violence) blocking the roadways....and complying to their silly demands.....we will be sending a priest and the coroner to the address associated with this phone number....since no police will be required.....goodbye....