Some Funny Comics I recently received in emails

    This one came from my main Funnies Pusher -


    A WOMAN'S POEM:
    Before I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray for a man who's not a creep,
    One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
    One who loves to listen long,
    One who thinks before he speaks,
    One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
    I pray he's rich and self-employed,
    And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
    Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
    Massage my feet and help me stand.
    Oh send a king to make me queen.
    A man who loves to cook and clean.
    I pray this man will love no other.
    And relish visits with my mother.

    A MAN'S POEM:
    I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with a
    big chest who owns a bar on a golf course,
    and loves to send me fishing, golfing, and drinking. This
    doesn't rhyme and I don't give a darn.

    More from my Funnies Pusher -


    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

    Finally, the guys' side of the story.

    We always hear ' the rules ' from the female side

    Now here are the rules from the male side.



    Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!


    1. Men are NOT mind readers

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not     a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape.     Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

    Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

    Don't know how true these are, but they're funny!


    From my Funnies Pusher -


    Darwin Award Winners



    Eighth Place


    In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing, head first, through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.



    Seventh Place


    A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned out when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



    Sixth Place


    While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.



    Fifth Place


    Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.



    Fourth Place


    Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.



    Third Place


    After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.



    HONORABLE MENTION


    Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out of the window to see what


    would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.



    RUNNER UP


    Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.



    AND THE WINNER IS.....



    Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed


    his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves ... ‘Shit happens’.



    IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.