Some Funny Comics I recently received in emails

  • THE FENCE!!!
    We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months Ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire City. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric Fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made For 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod and Drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big Wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the Yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the Mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of The way.
    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right Hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in Mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a Picture of an upside-down cow on fire on the cover.
    Time stood still.
    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front Side of my body. My ears curled downwards, and I could feel the Lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time That Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my Head. I was literally one with the engine.
    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower Were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg To differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels Emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along, and You're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 Times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality, It was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding Onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm, so I know all about electric Fences ... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
    This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot-long ground rod is now Accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river Bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just Man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a Loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam In it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into The rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore Roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's Right foot.
    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, Standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not Take me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to Writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...
    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside Me, out of gas. It was later on in the day, and I was sunburned.
    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and Then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I Was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a Seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I realized a few things: 1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I don't care what type of humor you like this is funny I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
    The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
  • I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 65 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

    Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

    Old age is coming at a really bad time.

    When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

    The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".

    I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

    Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

    Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

    At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.

    I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

    Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

    Do not resent growing old. Many are denied.... The Privilege :REDSS: :SUPERCHARGERSS: : :HEADERSS: : :COILOVERSS: Wycked hitch