A couple of years ago, soon after the Slingshot was introduced, I was heavily infected with Slingshot lust. I really wanted one and I was always gushing on and on about them to my (now ex) girlfriend Rachel. She thought they looked cool, but she was not on-board with the idea of buying one. Especially after the little episode I'm about to relate to you. Rachel worked in the surgery unit in a large hospital. She came home one day and I asked how her day was. As I recall, the conversation went as follows:
Rachel: "It was great! You know those Polish Sling-thingies you like?
Rick: “Polaris Slingshot. Yeah, what about them?”
Rachel: "Well, I was first surgical assist on this guy that was life-flighted in after an accident in one of those."
Rick: "He wrecked a Slingshot?"
Rachel: “Yeah, totaled it is what we heard.”
Rick: "Oh, Man! I hope he was okay."
Rachel: "He'll live, but we had to do a baloney amputation on him. It was my first time assisting on one of those. Really interesting."
Rick: "OHHHH!! A BALONEY amputation?!? I don't want to hear about that! Why would you tell me that?!"
[At this point, I was a bit offended by Rachel's use of slang terminology for this procedure, but I let it go.]
Rachel: "What? It's not all that uncommon. He'll get a prosthetic and he'll live a pretty much normal life."
Rick: "WHAT?! A prosthetic for that?! WHY? So his girlfriend will still be happy?"
Rachel: "His girlfriend?? Ummm...I think she'd be okay with it. I wouldn't care if you had a baloney prosthetic."
Rick: "STOP!! I don't want to think about that!"
Rachel: "Dude it’s not that bad! The technology for prosthetics has really advanced. After he gets used to it, it will probably even feel normal to him. And no one else will even know he has it unless he shows them....or, I guess if he's wearing shorts..."
Rick: "FEEL NORMAL? How could it feel normal to....Wait... It'll show if he's wearing shorts? How long is the thing!?"
Rachel: "Well, each one is custom fit, but his will be about 36 centimeters."
Rick: "In inches. How many inches is that?"
Rachel: "Just over 14 inches."
Rick: "STFU!!! Bullshit! Why would they make it 14 freakin' inches long?! His girlfriend's idea? I'm sure she would be happy with that!"
Rachel: "Well, it has to be the same length as what we removed or he'll have trouble walking, and it could mess up his spinal alignment and cause back problems."
Rick: [Rendered temporarily speechless, with a look of stunned disbelief on my face.]
Rick: "OK......I get it.... you're messing with me. You're messing with me."
Rachel: "What are you talking about? I'm not messing with you."
Rick: "You are, because nobody's got a 14 inch dick. And nobody needs a 14 inch prosthetic replacement dick. And shouldn't you use the correct terminology? Shouldn't you call it a 'penile amputation' or something like that and not a 'baloney amputation'? That's just crude. Why do girls always have to go there??"
Rachel: [Absorbs what I just said for a moment with blank face.] Then:
Rachel: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU'RE [gasp] SO [gasp] AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU'RE SO STUPID!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Rick: "Why are you laughing?! It's not funny!"
Rachel: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 'baloney amputation' [gasp] SO [gasp]AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! SO [gasp] STUPID!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Rick: "What The Hell?! Why is this funny to you? The guy lost his dick, Rachel. That’s not funny – women always want to make jokes about that but it’s not funny!"
Rachel: "OMG you're an [gasp] idiot! Hahahahahaha! I wasn't saying 'baloney amputation'! I was saying 'below knee amputation'. We amputated his leg below the knee! Hahahahaha! Why do guys always have to go there?!"
Rick: Oh... Well..... ENUNCIATION, Rachel. You need to enunciate.
Rachel: “Hahahahahaha!” [Imitating me with a deep voice] “ENUNCIATION, Rachel. You need to enunciate so I don’t think that a guy got his junk cut off from a Slingshot accident”.
Also Rachel: [For the next 4 hours] "Hahahahahaha!!! Hahahahahaha!Hahahahaha!"
