I know you say that jokingly, but back in my drag racing days, we were always looking for creative ways to add traction but cut down on weight.
Buddy of mine had an el camino and designed a water dump system. He had 50 gallons of water that would dump out, usually after he shifted into 2nd gear. It was sloppy and I'm sure some splashed on his tires, we gave him lots of grief over it, but always enjoyed watching him run. Course, no track would ever let him use it, but we were poor and in school, couldn't afford the track most of the time, so it was back roads.