Some Funny Comics I recently received in emails
-
-
-
with the pink shirt maybe not….🙃
-
This is how a camel is born 🐫
-
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.
-
-
-
Bill walks into his boss's office one day and says, "Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I've got three companies after me, and I'd like to respectfully ask for a raise."
After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5 percent raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.
"By the way," asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, "which three companies are after you?"
Bill replies, "The electric company, water company, and phone company."
-
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
-
A sad story was on the news today. A truck carrying a dozen or so port-o-potties overturned on the interstate killing two people. I guess you could say they were 'in turd"
-
When I was in my twenties, when I had my "first pee in the morning", my penis was so hard, I had to push it down with both hands so it would pee in the bowl and not on the wall.
When I was in my forties, I only had to use one hand to push it down to accomplish the same results.
Now that I'm in my sixties, I barely have to use any force to push it down to safely complete that task.
I'm not complaining at all. I'm just wondering when I am in my eighties, i my arm going to continue being stronger as I age?
-
-
They are definitely smarter than we are....
-
-
There's a new feminine hygiene spray called "SSY".
It takes the "P U" out of PUSSY
-
There's also a new man's jock spray called "UMPIRE"
It's for FOUL BALLS
-
-
-
What bridge?
-
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
